November 15th 2019

I keep waiting for a day when you don’t fill my thoughts.

So far, that day has not arrived.

I can’t pinpoint when this began.

Somewhere quietly, after we met, like a seed planted in a moment I didn’t realize mattered.

In the beginning, I told myself it was just excitement about learning, about growing, about the newness of my path.

But if I’m honest, a part of me was simply excited to exist near you.

Back then, I was still in another life, another chapter.

My heart belonged elsewhere on paper, though not in truth.

And then life began to move, things ending, shifting, dissolving.

Looking back, it feels as though meeting you was the catalyst, the gentle earthquake that rearranged what no longer fit.

Everything in me whispered: nothing is accidental.

Being beside you still feels like standing in sunlight—quiet warmth, undeniable presence.

Today, without thinking, I reached toward you.

Just my hand, resting for a brief second against your shoulder.

Nothing dramatic, nothing inappropriate, just instinct, reassurance, connection.

I don’t even remember what we were talking about.

But I remember the way it felt, simple, real, grounding.

I wonder what it felt like for you.

You looked striking today.

There is something magnetic about you, like your very existence pulls at me.

It isn’t shallow, and it isn’t ordinary desire.

It’s deeper, heavier, almost spiritual, but yes, undeniably physical too.

I am drawn to you in a way that feels both sacred and terrifying.

Irresistible, unfairly captivating.

And then there was the dream.

So vivid I woke with your presence still clinging to my skin.

Your embrace, your touch, your breath, so real I could almost still feel it.

I don’t usually dream this way, not like that.

But with you, everything is amplified.

Every glance, every moment, every quiet electricity between us.

Sometimes I have to stop myself from reaching for you in waking life.

A hand brushing yours, a resting of fingers over your sleeve, a simple closeness,

things that feel natural in my bones

yet forbidden in the world we inhabit.

I don’t understand this connection.

But I feel it with a certainty that both steadies and unravels me.